If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
