We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
