I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
