I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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