Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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