"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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