I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
