In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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