she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
