the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
