Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
she pinky promised me she was 18
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
