My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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