All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
