life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
