Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
