I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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