apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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