Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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