I think I won the penis lottery.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize