So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize