I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
