Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
