I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
