tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i wish my penis had a tongue
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize