I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Randomize
