The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
