We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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