Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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