People with herpes should wear stickers.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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