please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
