so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
We were destined to go to rehab together
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
