I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
