I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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