video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
