the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
