I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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