Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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