Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
