My girlfriend figured out who you are.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
