Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
