someone threw a dead crab at me
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Randomize
