Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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