Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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