Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
