It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
