i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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