The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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