Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
