Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
