Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
