Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
