i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize