____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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