last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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