It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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