Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
