my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Randomize
