i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
