I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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