smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
