so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
