Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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