After last night, I could never be a politician.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
