What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
