i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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