That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
