So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
