My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
